If you know me halfway well, I've told you my Fredericton Lesbian Dating = Fishbowl metaphor one, if not several times. I have been in the city off and on for nine years. And trying to date in this city leaves me nothing but questions.
Such as where are all the lesbians between the ages of 24-35? Where are the old-fashioned and trustworthy butches? Where are the sane women - and do sane women even exist anymore? Is there anyone out there who is honest and up front? Who can hold a conversation, is literate and not addicted? And the largest question - is it that my standards are too high; are these things ACTUALLY too much to ask?
I just wish that people were direct. Because I am a direct, brutally honest person. And yeah, brutal honesty is a bitch. It hurts, it can offend people, but it's the only thing that slices through social bullshit and lays things out on the table. I would much rather meet someone and have them say "You know, I'm not as attracted as I thought I would be," or "I'm really fucked up right now and have no energy to devote to new people," then the stupid social motions we go through. I'm starting to develop a real hate for social constructions in general. Just say what's on your mind, people. I neither want nor have the time for any fluff.
Of course, it's funny then when people like my co-workers tell me that they think it's because I come off as such a strong, confident woman. I often wonder if strong and confident means loud and full of opinions. Is it really so awful to know what you want and don't want? Or is it just that it's so rare that people get scared by it? There are no women I admire more than the ones I meet who have a clear idea of what it is they want and what they won't deal with. Good for you, for at least putting the brainpower into the subject and realizing that it's better to know ahead of time what you want than to get weeks or years into something only to realize that it makes you miserable.
So, are you out there? Someone who is smart, funny, chivalrous, a little (or a lot) butch, concerned about the world but not drowning in it, a little bit of a minimalist? Can you hold a conversation, read a book, make loose leaf tea? Are you actually looking for a relationship and not a play partner/toy for your bf/drunk buddy/friend with benefits? Do you still believe in love? Do you know that money means nothing at the end of the day? Are you secure with who you are and how you live? Do you have a sex drive?
Christ on a jumped-up crutch. It sounds so weird to even say I've been here on and off nine years. Where is my life going? Everyone says to move, but from what I hear, it's the same old lesbian fishbowl drama, just in a different bar and a different city in any of the other places. I feel so old and so tired. *sigh* Where is Debi when you need her? She makes me feel rather balanced somehow, and less adrift.