Let's get another thing straight - I call myself a Christian. Does that make you cringe? Does it confuse or worry you? Do you find yourself raising an eyebrow and wondering how the two things coexist? Then maybe you should ask me about it rather than jumping to conclusions.
Sometimes I feel like I could write an entire documentary on the double quandry of trying to be lesbian in the Christian community and Christian in the GLBTQ community. Having to duck grenades from both sides gets to be a little tiring. I also get entirely confused as to how someone could assume that anyone who is liberal enough to be lesbian is going to somehow browbeat them in another capacity just because of their faith choice.
Now, before we get too far into this rant, I want to point out that yes, I understand the Christian church and faith hasn't endeared itself to the GLBTQ community. I know the pain and hurt and hate and suffering that has come out of thousands of years. I'm not excusing it, or pretending it doesn't exist. All of that stuff pisses me off too, and offends my lesbian sensibilities. Not to mention my female sensibilities, and my liberal politics sensibilities, because homosexuality is not even close to the only topic that the Christian church has fucked up on in it's history. But here's the thing - I try not to judge. It's a struggle that I don't always win, but I try really hard not to judge. I don't hold all of Islamic faith responsible for what happened on 9/11. Nor would I touch down in Germany and spit on the first German I came across just because a hundred years ago their relatives were involved in something that Hitler started. So yeah, Christians are crazy. Conservative. Fucked up. Weird. And can hurt people without intending to or even understanding sometimes that they are. But so are/can atheists. Buddhists, Muslims, Pagans, etcetera and so on.
I've heard lots of GLBTQ stories about sexuality that involved a phase where the person "didn't want to be gay." You know, the whole "I prayed and wished and hoped to be anything but gay!" stories. And you know, I never had that phase. In fact, I rejoiced in realizing I was a lesbian. I love it. I revel in it. Women are NUTS. Dating them is NUTS (no irony or pun intended, actually). But I wouldn't give it up for anything. I have no want of a fairy godmother showing up and granting me any wish to be straight. I have never in all the years I knew I was interested in women wished it away. I love being a lesbian. That having been said, I had a very strong negative reaction to the idea of being Christian. I didn't want to be Christian. "Oh no, anything but that! Give me Confuscianism, Lord, but don't ask me to be Christian!" I bucked against it like a drowning man against the current.
But it happened anyway. Isn't that queer? lol When people ask me why I'm a Christian, there are lots of answers. Some are short, some are very long and complex. They include statements like "God threw a book at my head, and it wasn't the Bible," and "When I pray, God answers." It's just as hard to ignore the thought you might be a lesbian after you fall in love with a woman for the first time, as it is to ignore the possible existence of a power that talks to you even when you ask it to shut up.
All of that being said, I don't hold the same beliefs as most Christians. That's the part that most people don't stick around to hear. I have no interest in bringing you to Jesus. I don't believe that everyone needs to come to Jesus for salvation, or that Christianity is the "one true religion." There is no such thing as "one true religion." I don't think I believe in absolute truth either. I'm pro-choice, not against euthanasia, and read tarot cards too. Welcome to my form of Christianity. I can't speak to Christianity as a religion. I'm not a religious person. I can only speak specifically to what God has done for me, personally. And he had done enough that I was okay with making my faith choice.
So I hope that someday (although probably not soon), I won't get that strange look when I tell new romantic prospects that I am Christian. Or that I can stop having awkward conversations about how I am Christian and Lesbian all at once. Or I can stop feeling attacked for being a Christian in my GLBTQ community even though I am entirely welcomed as Lesbian. Or feeling entirely unwelcomed in certain Christian communities for being both, and then welcomed entirely in other Christian communities as both. Where's the balance, people? Isn't it a little retroactive to want their acceptance when I have a hard time finding acceptance in my own community for being a a part of any of those communities we seek acceptance from? I think Jesus loves the Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Pagan, Hetero, Homo and Asexual the same. We should strive to do the same. Because it's the right thing to do. Not in the name of Jesus or Allah or anyone in particular. Just because we're all human, and I believe at the end of the day we're all seeking the same basic thing when it comes to love and acceptance. Be humane.